Simply Be There
We were cautioned that the membership wanted was "best practices" information in our articles. As I tried to decide what that meant exactly, I opened up an email from my brother. Everyday, he sends me an email based on readings he finds. Usually I just skim over them, but often even in my skimming I find something relevant to my life and work. The one I read today said.
"One ancient Jewish tradition teaches that people who come to comfort someone in mourning should not speak until the mourner speaks. Friends should resist the temptation to explain the suffering, to put a theological (or psychological I would add) spin on it, to demonstrate the logic of it. Simply sit there. Show affection. Weep with those who weep. Those who suffer need comfort, not explanations."
My brother's email continued, "This advice carries over to lots of situations. Comfort with a quiet presence, rather than explaining, advising, taking the problem away from the suffering one. Let the problem be theirs. Let your presence be your support. Be cautious giving advice even if asked. Mostly review the possibilities to be sure all are understood. DON'T take control of the other's life. Whether mourning for a death or any of the other more common, frequent sufferings. Let them experience all they need to, to deal with it completely. Care, be present, support. Only."
I immediately thought of Carl Rogers. Though I now tend to using solution-focused therapy much of the time, when people are really suffering--truly grieving or depressed, we need to remember Carl Rogers and Jewish traditional wisdom. Sometimes especially when clients are first learning to trust us as people and therapists, we just need to be quiet—simply sit there.
As I was writing this, my daughter called. She was all excited about a job possibility. I sat and listened to her describe how her summer employer had asked her if she would stay and continue to work part-time after school started. She was thrilled.
As soon as I hung up with her, my husband called. He too, was emotional, but it wasn't excitement and happiness. He had a stressful, busy day and was worried and upset about a business problem. As I listened to him, I realized that regardless of the emotion, when someone is highly emotional, calm, reflective listening is usually the best choice. Calm listening helps people express emotions, understand those emotions and gain understanding of themselves and how to handle the situation.
Then I remembered a dream I had this morning. I was a new therapist in a busy agency. I wasn't used to working under extreme pressure, with one client after another coming through my door. I had just finished with a client and as I was saying good-bye to her, the secretary came up and told me I had another client waiting and another one in an hour. It was already dark outside. Suddenly, my calm mood turned to stress and anxiety. I dreaded dealing with another client, much less two. I walked into the crowded waiting room. I wasn't even sure of which client was mine. The secretary hadn't given me a name, so I simply asked, "Is there someone here to see me?"
A young dad with several small children stood up and walked toward me. One of the children was a little girl with cerebral palsy. As she drug a limp leg across the floor, I cringed inwardly, "How am I going to help this obviously very needy family." Then I looked at the little girl's face, I saw the most beautiful smile, full of trust and hope looking back at me. My heart melted with love. I asked the father if I could pick her up. He nodded. I reached my arms out to her and she practically leapt into them. As I picked her up and placed her on my hip, she asked, "Do you have a sister? Could I be your sister?" I answered, "I have three sisters, but I'd love to have you be my sister." As we walked into my office, I woke up from the dream with the most loving, calm feeling. Going through my head was, "Personal connections are what counts. Make them."
I think that is what counseling is about--making personal connections with your clients. Often just being with them as they struggle to work through and understand their emotions and themselves shows the caring you feel for them. It comes through a smile, a gentle touch on the shoulder or just listening empathetically. Show your love and caring. Sometimes all you have to do is simply be there.
Here are four educational opportunities coming up.
1. September 1st is the deadline to register for the 2007 ACA Midwest Region Leadership Training Oct. 4-6, 2007 in Minneapolis. This annual region leadership conference is an excellent opportunity for "emerging leaders" to hone their leadership skills. It is fun too. If you are a member of SDCA and SDMHCA these two organizations will basically pay for your trip. Contact me (April Anderson 641-2815) TODAY if you are interested.
2. SDCA is sponsoring the POWER OF PLAY Sept. 15 in Chamberlain. This workshop will provide attendees with activities to use when working with younger clients along with a chance to revitalize. 6.0 contact hours will be available.
3. Youth Risk Conference in Golden Hills Resort in Lead Sept. 21 & 22, 2007. Two keynotes—Bigg Melt and Christopher Grant. For more information call Kara Graveman 605-347-2991 Cost $75.
4. Brief, Solution-Oriented Therapy With Couples at the Rushmore Plaza Civic Center, October 4, 2007. Presenter is Bill O'Hanlon. Sponsored by the Inter-Agency Training Council. For more information, contact Alys Ratigan 605-348-1696. Cost before September 20-$65, after 9-20 cost $75.